Just Be Held.

When my son was an infant, I nursed him to sleep every night. Most nights I held him and rocked him as he succumbed to sweet, milk drunk sleep. I read one advice article after another claiming that nursing/rocking your baby to sleep would only spoil them, but to me there was just no other way( and let me just say that if you managed to "crib train", I think you are a magical unicorn.) Every mom and babe have their groove, and that was ours.

But then a thing happened. He got older. He nursed less.

And then one night, he bypassed my open arms and just laid down next to me as he drifted off to sleep. My heart knew that it was all a part of him growing up just like he should, but any mom will tell you that she can remember when her baby stopped asking to be held, or rocked, or comforted. 

It stinking hurts. Puts a lump right in your throat. As parenthood will do, many, many times.

So tonight, when he sleepily declared "You rock me", my heart skipped a beat. And I sat right up. 

As he nestled down into my arms, I wondered if he would really let me hold him long enough to fall asleep. My boy is on the move 24/7 and does not enjoy being held these days.

Or so I thought.

He asked that I cover his feet with his Olaf blanket because he hates when they stick out. And then thanked me for it.

I normally sing to him, and he usually has a request, but tonight surprised me with my favorite to sing to him, and he asked for "Hey Jude".

And so, I rocked that boy. And I sang 2 rounds of "Hey Jude".

Then, he was snoring softly in my arms.

And then it struck me how wrong I was. As it turns out, he does want to be held. We have really been struggling lately with what every one hails as "The Terrible Twos". And you know what? Sometimes it really is terrible. But, not all the time. 

Most of the time, as he is screaming at me for limiting his screen time, and refusing him yet another popsicle/sucker/gummy snacks/(insert any sugary item here), as he is telling me NO! for the eleventy-oneth time that day, I am doing my best(and mostly failing) to reach my mind palace so that I can remember the other boy I live with.

The one who picks his nose as he falls asleep, and loves to sing "Jesus Loves Me", and dances All. The. Time. My boy who can count to 10, and is one of the most polite and caring human beings I have ever met.

And as I was sitting here in my bed, looking down at his eyelashes that are to die for, it hit me just how exhausting it has to be to be a 2 year old. And while no one wants their child to be disobedient or unruly, sometimes it helps to try and look past it all. And see that baby that use to live for the warmth of your arms. And to remember that sometimes, they just need to be held.

Untitled.

I feel like I have to write this soon because if I don't then it will slip away.

Most of the people in our lives know that early Saturday morning, our family had a medical scare.
Around 3:20 am I was pulled from sleep by the frantic movements our son, who will be two in March, was making. At first I thought he was dreaming. He can be a fitful sleeper, usually making a journey around our bed most nights. The bedside lamp on my husband's side of the bed had been left on, so when I saw Sam's face, I knew that he wasn't dreaming. Or sleeping.

It hit me hard that I was watching my son have a seizure. My husband Jared, who normally sleeps so deeply that he is often impossible to wake, woke within seconds of me shouting his name.


For once, my brain did not let me down. We called 911. We made sure he was safe.

This was the first time that I had ever seen anyone have a seizure right in front of me. And it was terrifying. But the wildest thing was this. I was ready.


I was beyond ready.

You see, just the day before, on Friday, I completed an all-day course to become CPR certified.

And so I watched my son, keeping a check on his breathing.

His seizure only lasted about a minute. It took him about ten minutes to come around. He remained unresponsive the entire time. It was excruciating. For a large part of me. But a part of me also had peace.

So, why do I feel the need to record this for all the world to see( or not, their choice. :) )

This post isn't to scare you about your child having a seizure. The type of seizure Sam had is called a febrile seizure, and actually occurs in about every 1 in 20 children, age birth through seven years. It happens when the body has a dramatic change in temperature in a short amount of time. In this case, Sam's temperature rose extremely quickly. The seizure was merely his body's response. He will, thankfully, see no effects.

This post isn't about cosleeping, although I've never been more thankful that I do so.

This post isn't even about how I think everyone who is able and willing should be CPR certified. ( And I do think that, truly)

This post, rather, is how through every moment of this experience, I could feel God's presence with us. This post is my way of thanking Him for the peace he grants us, even when we struggle to find it.

Even Saturday night, when bed time rolled around and I was unexpectedly riddled with anxiety at the thought of succumbing to sleep, and not being able to watch him. We had made it through nap time that day with no such feeling. Honestly all I felt then was relief since we all lost a good bit of our normal sleep time. But the dark changes things. The nighttime has always felt Other to me. Alluring, yet guarded. So when my body was trying to give in to exhaustion, but my mind was wrestling with what-ifs, I reminded myself that worrying would do me no good. For this, we are given Matthew 6:27,
Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life

Short answer, no.


And so, for the boy sleeping on my pillow, with only one sock on because he is my child, I give all my thanks to God.

A Year of Journaling-2016

While searching Pinterest for Family Management printables(Yes, that is a thing. Yes, they are awesome.), my eye wandered over to my journal. I have had a journal most of my life, and I really enjoy writing in one. Right now I actually have two. One is for myself, and the other is for Samuel. It is my hope that one day I can gift him with a journal(or perhaps journals) full of memories. I hope to do this for all my children.

Both of my journals could use more attention. I have been contemplating what I would like to work on in 2016, and one of the first things that came to my mind is my journaling. So to the search bar I went, and found this really neat list of monthly journal prompts from a blog called Life of Lovely.

They have just put a new list out for January 2016, and since it's only the 3rd I feel that catching up will be manageable. I love writing prompts, so I can't wait to see where this goes.

Here is the list for January created by Life of Lovely.

She also has some great tips for beginning a journal if it is something that you want to do but aren't sure where to start. Printable versions of these calendars are available as well.

Keeping a journal can be very cathartic. It keeps your mind sharp and your soul open.

Best wishes,

HLP